by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz
Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)
“Christians are the most forgiven people in the world. Therefore, we should be the most forgiving people in the world…God has given us an incredibly high standard to live up to when we have the opportunity to forgive someone. Fortunately, he also gives us the grace and the guidance we need to imitate him by forgiving others as he has forgiven us” (p.204-205).
You Cannot Do It Alone
What many of us forget when we come to the point where we should forgive someone is that we have the ability to do that in our strength. We tend to forget the primary emphasis of the Gospel: we cannot do anything good outside of ourselves, and are in need of God to help us when we cannot help ourselves. This will typically show up when we start to rewind and think over the many hurts we’ve experienced, harboring bitterness in our hearts for what so-and-so did to us. Yet drawing on God’s grace regularly will give us the grace we need to extend that kind of grace out to those who hurt us by forgiving them.
Neither a Feeling, nor Forgetting, nor Excusing
Forgiveness is not a feeling in any way, but a decision or act of the will we make, recognizing our dependence on God for grace, that it may lead to an attack on our thoughts that want to dwell on the hurt we experienced. It also is not forgetting, a passive act, but an active one made by a conscious decision and a purposeful course of action. Lastly, forgiving is not excusing, since it implies that someone did a wrong act.
Forgiveness is a Decision
When you ignore or are ignorant of true forgiveness, you show it in your great memory in remembering the many wrongs that have been done to you from someone, always ready to give a defense, not of the hope you possess within you, but of yourself and your “justified” unforgiving heart. The word “forgive” means to release or let go or to give favor to another person with no strings attached. This is something we do not and cannot deserve.
…forgiveness can be a costly activity. When someone sins, they create a debt, and someone must pay it. Most of this debt is owed to God. In his great mercy, he sent his Son to pay that debt on the cross for all who would trust in him (Isa. 53:4-6l 1 Peter 2:24-25; Col. 1:19-20). (p.207)
Now, when someone wrongs you, there is a debt owed to you, which you can either take payments on or make payments yourself. Making payments would be the preferred way, meaning you remove the penalty the other deserves to pay. This may come quickly, or it may take a period of time. This is when we would do well to remember the amazing grace God offers to us when He forgives us our sin. Isaiah 59:2 speaks of where we were: “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.” Not only does God forgive us of our sins, He actively chooses not to remember them anymore: “If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared” (Psalm 130:3-4). We must go and do likewise to others: “We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us” (p.209). Forgiveness can be described in making four promises:
- I will not dwell on this incident.
- I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
- I will not talk to others about this incident.
- I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.
The sad reality is that many have never experienced this type of forgiveness, and it is our duty to model Christlike forgiveness so that the other person may see the reality of God’s forgiveness that is offered to all who will come and believe.
When Should You Forgive?
Repentance should come before forgiveness. At times, there may be minor offenses that can be overlooked without seeking repentance. Yet when it is too serious to overlook, we are to (1) have an attitude of forgiveness, and (2) grant forgiveness. The first condition speaks more of having a readiness in your heart to live as if you have truly forgiven them, by not dwelling on the hurt you experienced. The second condition speaks on the repentance of the one who offended you, drawing in the last three promises mentioned previously. Christ maintained the first condition in praying on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Once men and women have repented, full forgiveness was given and men are now reconciled to God. God is our God, and He is also our model to follow.
Can You Ever Mention the Sin Again?
“When someone has confessed a wrong and you have forgiven him, you should not bring it up again unless there is a very compelling reason to do so. Otherwise, you will rob people of hope that they can change or that you will ever give them another chance” (p.212).
What about the Consequences?
As God has shown over and over with the people of Israel, “forgiveness does not automatically release a wrongdoer from all the consequences of sin” (look at Numbers 14:20-23; Deuteronomy 32:48-52; 2 Sam. 12:11-14; 13:1-39; 16:21-22; 19:1-4). It could be that you would be the one to take down any walls that would come between you and the one who wronged you. There may also be times where you can forgive someone but cannot afford to take the consequence of the wrong that was committed, such as a loss of money. This could be a broad description of one who is habitual in their unrepentant life, who would need to be confronted with their continual sin-pattern. Once someone expresses repentance, you are to forgive sincerely and have the penalty of personal separation removed. This is the outgrowth of God’s forgiveness. It must be ours as well.
Overcoming Unforgiveness
God has given His Word, His Holy Spirit, and finally, His people in giving counsel and encouragement. Here are some steps to overcome forgiveness:
- Confirm Repentance
- Renounce Sinful Attitudes and Expectations
- Assess Your Contributions to the Problem
- Recognize That God Is Working for Good
- Remember God’s Forgiveness
- Draw on God’s Strength
Reconciliation and the Replacement Principle
Your relationship with the person you originally were in conflict in must be reconciled, and that your relationship would be as good, if not better, than what it used to be. To reconcile means to offer a chance for a repentant person to get your trust back, which you should not demand, especially when they have expressed their repentance. You must show your promises are not empty when they have demonstrated a repentant faith. This is shown in three ways:
- In Thought (replace negative thoughts of the other with positive thoughts)
- In Word
- In Deed
All this comes from God’s hand, and credit is given to those who only experience and express true repentance. God is behind this, and He will see to it that His people are not afraid of living out their lives as peaceful ambassadors in a fallen world. Hopefully, a commitment to the local church and the leaders of that church would be a primary emphasis for all of us to heed.