by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

When it comes to resolving conflict, there is much advice that is offered by many guides or authorities in the field of psychology, sociology, as well as religion. There’s also the popular advice of Dear Abby in the newspaper, or that from the likes of Wayne Dyer, Dr. Phil and Oprah on TV that many have adopted in terms of a “don’t judge me” type of attitude. What the Bible teaches has been neglected, so much so that not only does the world have absolutely no idea how to resolve conflict with any semblance of dealing with the right issue, but many in the church are greatly lacking in this area as well.

In the much misinterpreted passage of Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus lays out the proper instruction on how to address conflicts two people may have with each other. Although typically used as a proof-text to shut down any attempts at confronting another person, Christ draws a line toward judgment that is premature and improper, yet it does not rule out loving correction. This involves the prior removal of the log out of our own eye before addressing the speck of another, but the speck removal of another is just as necessary. By looking through our role in whatever conflict we find ourselves in, there must be two types of fault we avoid:

1. An overly-sensitive attitude, when you are easily offended by another person´s behavior, and
2. Sinful behavior, which you yourself may have brought (will be covered in chapters 5 and 6).

Define the Issues

There are two types of conflict:

1. Material, which deal with property, money, rights and responsibilities, and is resolved through cooperative negotiation
2. Personal, which deal with what goes on inside or between people, and is resolved through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness.

In real life, each type of conflict rarely occurs without the other. If a material conflict arises, it´s usually resolved when the personal issue is dealt with. When such is the case, the objective is to address what the primary material issue is and then get at the primary heart issue. The first question that will diagnose how to go about this is to ask, “Is this really worth fighting over?” When thinking about the conflicts you go through, the majority of them may be in the realm of “not worth fighting over,” and should be settled or simply let go as quickly as possible.

Overlook Minor Offenses

“In many situations, the best way to resolve a conflict is simply to overlook the personal offenses of others” (p.82), which is how God sees it:

Proverbs 19:11 – Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 17:14 – The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Ephesians 4:2 – [W]ith all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.

Colossians 3:13 – [B]earing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving one another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Just as God has forgiven us of sin, we should do the same, and see God’s model as one to follow. When we overlook minor offenses, it shouldn’t be passive in avoiding dealing with an issue that causes you to resent or become bitter and angry, which will explode at a later time. It should rather be an active process that shows mercy to the other person who wrongs you in a way where you do not hold it against them, or let it cause you to become bitter. This is a direct result of the Gospel’s work in a person.

Check Your Attitude – and Change It

One of the reasons we sometimes find it difficult to overlook offenses is that we have an overly sensitive attitude or a tendency to dwell on what others have done. One way to guard against this problem is to check your attitude in the light of God’s Word. (p.83)

5 principles Paul lays out in Philippians 4:2-9:

1. Rejoice in the Lord always (v.4)
2. Let your gentleness be evident to all (v.5)
3. Replace anxiety with prayer (v.6)
4. See things as they really are (v.8)
5. Practice what you learned (v.9)

Count the Cost

Another way to avoid unnecessary conflict is to consider the cost of unresolved conflict. Conflict is often much more expensive than we expect it to be. Unresolved disputes can consume large amounts of time, energy, and money, leaving you emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Worst of all, as long as a disagreement is unresolved, there is the potential for further damage to a relationship. (p.90)

What we need to do is count the cost immediately at the start of a conflict or dispute, because that is almost always the first thing that is neglected the moment we enter into one. This is why Jesus says:

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:25-26)

What about “Rights?”

One immediate response to one who asks such a question would be, “What about God’s rights?” We sin against God on a daily basis, and if he had any right to condemn, we would already be in hell. However, what God has done in forgiving us is an act of mercy, not justice/injustice. It may be unjust to exercise your “rights”: “When exercising a right allows you to avoid a moral responsibility or to take unfair advantage of others, you have not acted justly in the eyes of God, regardless of what a court might say” (p.92). Some diagnostic questions would be helpful at this point:

• “Will exercising my rights honor God by showing the power of the gospel in my life?”
• “Will exercising my rights advance God’s kingdom—or will it advance only my interests at the expense of his kingdom?”
• “Will exercising my rights benefit others?”
• “Is exercising my rights essential for my own well-being?” (p.92)

What we need to always remember is that Jesus, the Son of God, who owns everything, did not seek to exercise His right to life for the sake of preserving His kingly status as ruler of all. He gave it up to die for a people undeserving of it, and is a perfect picture of the grace of God. Is that not our goal in conflicts? Don’t we want to show our brothers and sisters in Christ this same picture? Don’t we desire to show our unbelieving family members and friends what God’s grace looks like? My God give that desire in our hearts.